Monday, November 3, 2008

Sew what?

Okay, for those of you out there who insist that I have no flaws or shortcomings (there are many of you-hold your applause) I feel it only ethical to let you in on a little secret. I don't sew. I know, I know. It's difficult to believe, but it is oh, so very true.

There are people who say, "Oh, I don't sew. Only, buttons and hemming my kids pants." Yeah. I don't do those things either. I also don't iron, but that's another story. I wish that I was awesome at sewing, but I'm afraid it's a little like when I played basketball; I might end up being good enough to pretend to be useful, but the truth is I'll never make a lay-up. Never.

I actually own a sewing machine. It was given to me 5 years ago by a friend who was moving. It apparently is in good working condition despite it age, a fact I'm sure I could verify should I ever use it. I must confess I'm very scared of it. Bobbins frighten me and produce the same visceral effect that math does; you know, the nervous laughter which turns quickly into hysterical crying? Yeah, it's not pretty.

I've kind of blamed it on my mother for years...and by 'kind of' I mean absolutely (sorry Mom). You know, because there are all those women whose mothers sewed and continue to sew, probably still working on the same enormous quilt made from the same baby clothing they sewed for their own children 30 years ago? Dang them. My mother could bake circles around them, and clean their houses in ways they could never imagine. But my mother does not sew...a fact I blame on her mother...which if you knew that story, you'd never blame me for saying it. I also have no pioneer heritage in the traditional sense, so I get no help there.

Why the fear though? Well, I made a pair of shorts and a bean bag frog in 7th grade Home-Ec. When I say 'I', I mean the Home-Ec teacher. The next time I sewed, it was in a college costume shop class. I am not joking when I say that the teacher sent me home because I was crying too loudly over my zipper-failures. Like heaving sobs and boogers. Yes, college. Needless to say, I don't have a good track record and I'm afraid.

I'm also afraid, however, now that I'm 28, I can no longer blame it on my mother. There comes a time when a girl has to take responsibility for her own lack of talent...especially now that I've been married to a man whose parents both can and do sew formals, wedding gowns, costumes, you name it.

Recently, in my quest to overcome my weaknesses and fight my demons, I signed up to make a heat/cold corn bag at a Super Saturday with my ward. I was VERY nervous. What if the corn bag required a zipper? What if there were bobbins involved? Fortunately, I had a VERY patient and understanding sewing mentor who talked to me in a very soothing voice and lulled me into completing the project. It was like sewing on Percocet. I have to say, it didn't even turn out half-bad and nobody got hurt.

So, now I still can't sew buttons or hem pants, but If you've got an achy neck or a goose egg on your head, I'm your girl. I'll work my way up to hemming.


Shelby said...

Um, question. I thought this thing was filled with beans, not corn. You mentioned if I had a sore neck you could heat it up in the microwave. Corn. In the microwave. You see where I'm going with this.

Annie said...

I totally see and I asked about it. It's corn from the feed store. Different kind than Orville's :) Nuke away, babe:)

Myndi said...

haha really? that's an awesome story.. if you're ever feeling adventurous in the next two weeks you can come over and I'll show you how to do fleece blankets (I can sew I'm afraid.. quite well actually.. but shh its a secret I'm posting online) and you can show me how to cook something eatable.. or however you spell that

kabeaner said...

You're just like me! I also do not sew. (Remember when you asked me if there was anything I can't do? The answer is yes! Sew!) I can't blame this on my mother, though. She's an awesome sewer. She's the one who does all the hems and buttons, etc. She even tried to teach me how to sew. It didn't go well.

Robert Choate said...

My home ec teacher said my windsock was the worst she had ever seen in her history of teaching which spanned some time. Don't worry Taryn doesn't sew or iron either. But you both do have boys and in a few years they will need to have scout patches sewed on so you have some time to practice.

Tammy said...

I laughed till I cried. Sooo funny, Annie! Now, I think that at some point I must have at least showed you how to sew on a button. I CAN do that!
I can hem, but it's not pretty. I mended when I had to to save money, AND I sewed on boy scout patches! Thankfully, boys don't care too much or look too closely at the stitching. Your boys will probably earn a lot more badges then mine did, so Robert is right..get ready!

Ironing is only done for a matter of pride. You don't want to look too wrinkly or that you just got out of bed, do you? But alas, I only iron when I'm going to wear something that absolutely needs it..otherwise, a tumble in the dryer works just fine!

Janna said...

1) What the heck? Really? Why didn't I know this??

2)You can't sew buttons? hahahahaha (..i'm so mean! sorry!)

3)I'd like to relieve you of your burden of the sewing machine... ??

4)I am SO glad that you're my sister and that you have such random qualities like this, and I'm very proud of you for being so brave as to sign up for a sewing class when your fear is so apparently extreme.

5) I was picturing cooked corn. Hahaha! (Who's the wack-job now?) I was reading what you wrote about heating it and freezing it and offering it to friends in need and I was like, that's seriously disgusting. (What an idiot!)

6) You don't iron? Martha Stewart did a great article last Spring on how to do like 101 small tasks properly and ironing a button-down shirt was one of them. I read it carefully since I'd never been very good at it, and the results have been great! I iron six days a week.... ick.

7) I love yer guts!!

Janna said...

Also, mom gave me a thread and needle and a wash cloth before I was a teenager and had me sew around the edges for practice. ..So, maybe you need to sit down and have a serious talk with mom.

Tammy said...

Janna, I think that's because YOU showed interest. Annie...well, she was interested in OTHER things...

Annie said...

What?!! I have NO idea what that is supposed to mean!!! ;)

Jessica said...

Oh How I love you all! I cannot believe I waited this long to be a part of this conversation, for the record Annie I cannot sew, and I am also not a very good cook or cleaner (thank goodness I work and I am sure Tim got jipped with sister's like you and Janna and a mom like Tammy :) since he doesn't know the difference lets keep it just between us!) When I move there maybe you will be good enough to teach me I am thinking that eventually by hanging around I have to pick up some good that an oxymoron?